


Healing the Fractures

by Ralkana



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Early Work, F/M, Fix-It, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Post-Series, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-09
Updated: 2002-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralkana/pseuds/Ralkana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Voyager made it home, Kathryn walked away and let Seven have Chakotay. Will a dire accident give her one more opportunity to repair what went wrong? Post-<i>Endgame</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. If I owned them, I think they'd have been much, much happier.

 

She stared out the window at the stars, so stationary and familiar. She knew that the sight should bring her pleasure and triumph after so long away, and while those feelings were there, they were muted and hollow, eclipsed by life-draining loneliness and sorrow.

They were home. She had done it, risked everything -- in more ways than one -- and brought her crew home, dealing a crippling blow to the Borg at the same time. She was Starfleet's golden girl, a fantastic public relations coup in a time of struggle and rebuilding, and yet, it wasn't enough. She'd had difficulty readjusting to a chain of command without her at the top and had taken an eight-month leave of absence after all the debriefings and celebrations had ended. Even Indiana couldn't soothe her -- though her family was grateful to have her home, everything there only served to remind her of how life had gone on without her. She spent her days in her Starfleet apartment, trying to decide what to do with her life and thinking wistfully of days and years that she'd thought she would be more than happy to put behind her.

In the dark, seemingly endless nights in the Delta quadrant, she'd dreamed many times of the way her life would unfold once Voyager reached Earth, and while some elements had always been in question, she'd thought she could depend on one thing, that it was guaranteed.

She folded her arms tightly across her chest, battling to keep in her raging emotions. She would not give in to the pain; she would not give in to the regret, or the loneliness, or the anger. Especially the anger. She had no right to feel angry.

She jumped, startled by the sharp sound of the comm terminal. She glanced at the chronometer, noting with shock that it was after 0200; she'd been staring at nothing for hours again. Her stomach fluttered with trepidation as she crossed the room. Even the knowledge that the call could be from anywhere -- a different time zone, a different continent, even a different planet -- didn't stop the feeling of dread inspired by a call in the dead of night.

She flicked on the screen at her desk, sitting down hard in the desk chair at the sight that greeted her. B'Elanna, grim and looking exhausted.

"Captain."

"It's Kathryn now, B'Elanna. Something's happened. What is it?"

"Chakotay."

That one word sent a spike of fear straight through her, and she could feel the color drain out of her face. She knew it was taking her too long to respond, but she wanted to be sure that the words wouldn't be wrenched from her in a sob. Even after the long pause, her voice was unsteady.

"Oh God. Is he...?"

"No. He's alive. But the doctors don't know yet how serious the damage is, or if they do, they won't tell us."

"What... what happened?"

B'Elanna's face crumpled, and a sound escaped her, something between a laugh and a sob. "Shuttle crash."

A similar sound emerged from Kathryn, and then she was silent, a hand raised to her mouth.

"I don't know all the details. We're at Starfleet Medical. I think you should be here."

Kathryn closed her eyes... he was so close; she could see the Starfleet Medical building from her window. But he wouldn't be alone, she was sure of it. "I... don't think so, B'Elanna. Maybe later. Watch over him for me?"

"Captain... Kathryn... please. He needs you here. Come for him, please."

"I'm not sure that he needs me there, B'Elanna. I'm sure Seven's there with him." Though she tried valiantly, she couldn't keep the bitterness out of her voice.

B'Elanna's visage grew angry, her words, clipped. "She is. But he's not calling for her. He's calling for you. He needs _you_ , not her. Now get down here, Kathryn. Don't make me leave him to come get you!" And she closed the link.

Kathryn stared at the dark screen, B'Elanna's words echoing through her mind. _He's calling for you._ She came to a decision. He was in pain and he wanted her there. He was injured, and he might not make it, and she wouldn't let this last opportunity to be there for him slip through her fingers. If nothing else, she wanted to be there to tell him goodbye. _God, please don't let it come to that..._

Making no effort to stop her tears from flowing this time, she flew through the apartment, tripping over things in her haste and in the dark, changing -- in red-alert mode -- from her nightgown into clothes. She didn't stop to put on any makeup and only ran a cursory comb through her hair.

She ran through her building and down the block to the transport station, garnering worried looks from those around her, most of whom recognized her from the endless Voyager news vids. When she finally reached Starfleet Medical, she paused for a moment to catch her breath. She asked for -- or rather, demanded, in full Starfleet Captain fashion -- the location of his room, and walked quickly there, not wanting to run in the hospital. She thought of all the times she'd used this exact measured pace to get to Sickbay -- heart pounding, legs weak -- to see him, generally after an aborted away mission... or a shuttle crash. She vowed to personally find out who'd given him control of a shuttle and throttle them.

She turned the corner and saw Tom and B'Elanna in the hallway, just holding each other, leaning against the wall. _Oh God, please don't let me be too late..._

Tom glanced up, and she had to physically bite her lip to keep from barking, "Report!"

He heard it anyway, unconsciously drawing himself to attention. Part of her mind whispered, _Routines, familiar routines, we've been doing this for years_. "Captain... well, he's alive, and his condition seems to be stabilizing, but he's not out of danger yet. He's still fading in and out of consciousness, and he's generally incoherent. He keeps mumbling in what sounds like his native language, and the only understandable thing we've heard is your name -- he keeps repeating that. I don't know exactly what happened, but from what I can tell, he has head trauma and multiple fractures, including several fractures along his spine, as well as some internal bleeding. He looks pretty beat up. I don't know how bad it is -- they won't let me look at his chart. I feel so goddamn helpless!"

B'Elanna placed a hand on his back to calm him down but continued to look at Kathryn. "Thank you for coming," she said softly.

Kathryn squared her shoulders, commanding her body not to betray any of the emotions roiling within her. "I figured it was about -- "

Her voice faltered as the door to Chakotay's room slid open and her former protégé stepped out.

Seven looked good, Kathryn had to admit. She was wearing looser clothing, although most of it still clung to her curves, and she had taken to wearing her hair down, with bangs, which helped to soften the appearance of her facial implants. Her face was pale, and Kathryn was amazed that she could easily see grief and anxiety in her features. And anger. There was definitely anger smoldering in her eyes as she regarded her former mentor.

"Captain."

"Seven, I'm not your captain anymore. It's Kathryn."

"Very well. You have won... Kathryn."

Kathryn was stunned at Seven's choice of words and surprised at the anger those words kindled in her. She struggled to speak calmly, not wanting to compound the awkward situation.

"Seven, this was never a contest, and I'm sorry -- for him and for you -- that you seem to think it was."

"When I arrived, the doctors inquired if my name was Kathryn. It was... quite painful to have to admit that I was not the woman he has been... begging for. He has not acknowledged my presence. I knew that he had given you his heart; I was not aware, however, of how completely you still hold it. You would do well to take good care of it. He deserves no less. Excuse me, there is... I must regenerate now," she finished, turning away to hide the slight tremor in her voice.

She stalked down the hall without a backward glance, but Kathryn saw her arm reach up toward her face, and she knew that Seven was wiping her eyes. She stared at Tom and B'Elanna.

"Was that really Seven of Nine?"

Tom smiled softly, acknowledging her surprise. "When she called to tell us, she was crying. She's opened up quite a lot emotionally, which, unfortunately, means this is hurting her a lot more than it would have six months ago. Chakotay's been very good for her, but he doesn't love her. Not the way that he loves you. I don't know if you want to hear that, but it's true, and if you go in to see him, you'll probably hear it anyway, from him. He's not in any state to hide his feelings right now."

"I know. It's okay, neither am I. Not anymore." She smiled ruefully at their stunned looks. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." They nodded, and she took a few deep breaths and entered his room.

She told herself that she was being ridiculous, that she'd seen him injured before, that he'd even come back from worse than this. But that had been different; it had always been different. Voyager's open sickbay had never seemed as stark and sterile as this small, grey room, and his bronze skin looked remarkably pale in the harsh lights. The sharp beeps and clicks of the monitoring equipment seemed unnaturally loud and out of place without the Doctor's acerbic comments or Tom's reassuring smile. He seemed so alone in here.

She couldn't see much of him except his face and neck, but what she saw wasn't reassuring. The doctors had mostly cleaned him up, but his face and neck were badly bruised, evidence of trauma that the quick dermal regeneration couldn't affect. His hair was disheveled, and she noticed fleetingly that it was lighter, with grey again prominent at his battered temples. The elegant lines of his tribal tattoo were distorted and partially concealed by the bruising and swelling. She could see the forcefields and restraints holding his thrashed body in place to keep him from exacerbating his spinal injuries.

He was silent and still, unconscious, but the tension in his face showed her that he wasn't at rest. As she moved closer, he stirred and pain lanced across his features. He struggled to open his eyes, and she gasped at the unfocused muddiness of them. There was none of his normal sparkle or life there, only pain. She bent over him, bringing herself into his line of vision, but still his eyes didn't clear. He groaned softly, muttering something she didn't understand, and then winced again, moaning, "Kath -- "

Her tears fell on his face, and he jumped, crying out softly. She reached out to stroke his brow, at the familiar, beloved lines there, murmuring, "I'm here. Calm now. Rest, and get well."

At her voice, he gasped and his eyes widened, finally clearing some. He whispered, "Kathryn?"

"Yes, it's me. Go to sleep, Chakotay. Let yourself heal."

He tried to speak again and she placed a hand on his lips, quieting him. He closed his eyes, calmed by her touch, and the corners of his lips turned upward under her fingers. She stood watching him until a couple of nurses came in to check on him. One of them glanced at a reading and then looked again, peering more closely, and Kathryn's heart leapt into her throat.

"What's wrong?!"

The nurse smiled at her. "It's what's right. His pulse and breathing have evened out, and he seems to have slipped into normal sleep. The intercranial swelling has gone down a tiny bit too. I don't know what you did, ma'am, but it seems to have worked!"

Relief rushed through Kathryn, and she lightheadedly swayed on her feet, suddenly aware that she hadn't slept for almost twenty-four hours -- and even that sleep had been restless and troubled. The nurse hastened to push a chair under Kathryn before she fell flat on the floor.

"Are you okay, ma'am?"

"I'm fine," Kathryn whispered. "And please, don't call me ma'am."

The nurse gave her an odd look but nodded and went back to his monitoring. He and his colleague finished their tests and checks and left the room, leaving Kathryn alone again with Chakotay. She scooted the chair closer to his bed and placed both of her hands around one of his large, immobilized ones. Though it was awkward, she bent herself to place her head on his chest without letting go of his hand. She listened to his now-steady heartbeat until the rhythm lulled her into much-needed sleep.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

When the nurses exited Chakotay's room, Tom waylaid them and questioned them mercilessly about his friend's condition. He followed them down the corridor, not giving up until he was satisfied with their answers. He informed them that he and B'Elanna would be in the waiting room down the corridor and were to be notified of any change in status, good or bad.

He led his wife into the empty waiting room and settled onto one of the couches. B'Elanna paced, despite the weariness he knew she felt.

"B'E, sit down. Relax and rest for a few hours. Miral's sleeping at home -- Mom knows where to find us if she needs to -- and Chakotay's going to be fine."

"How do you know?" she demanded.

"From what the nurses said, the swelling in his head is going down, the internal bleeding has stopped, and the spinal fractures will heal with no further damage as long as he doesn't move. If he does, he might injure the spinal cord itself, and that would be bad, but they've got him immobile to make sure that doesn't happen. He's sleeping peacefully now -- I think he really did just need the captain. It's amazing, what she does to him... now come on, sit down. They'll tell us if something changes."

She curled herself into his chest, and though she didn't move or make a sound, Tom could feel his shirt slowly growing damper, saturated by the tears she was shedding for her friend.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Tom awoke, groggy and uncomfortable. Glancing at the chronometer, he saw that he'd been asleep for several hours; B'Elanna had fallen asleep just a little bit before he had. He hesitantly woke her -- between Miral and Chakotay, she desperately needed sleep -- and she jumped up instantly, with a worried, "What's happened?"

"Nothing, B'E. At least, I don't think anything has; they haven't notified us -- we both fell asleep. Go check on him, and I'll call Mom to see how Miral is."

When he got to Chakotay's room several minutes later, he found B'Elanna just inside the door, watching her former command team. Kathryn was holding Chakotay's hand, with her head on his chest, and Tom knew she'd have a killer neck ache when she woke up. He thought of all the times he'd seen almost the mirror image in Voyager's sickbay -- Chakotay would have never presumed to place his head on her chest, though.

"Miral's fine," he said quietly. "Still asleep. Looks kinda familiar, doesn't it?" he added, nodding at the tableau before them.

B'Elanna smiled at him through her tears and said, "Yeah, just a small change, but what a change!"

Tom laughed softly, and the sound woke Kathryn. Groaning, she pulled one hand from Chakotay's to rub at her neck, and then she noticed Tom and B'Elanna. "How is he?"

Tom shrugged. "I don't know; he seemed to be doing better, from what the nurses said earlier. The doctors should be by soon to check on him." As Kathryn looked on, he seemed to come to some sort of decision. Nodding at the bed, he said, "This image makes a change."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Do you know how many times Chakotay slept in that exact position for days while you were laid out for some reason or another?"

Kathryn was nonplussed. "He did?"

"Yep. He'd go without deep sleep for days just to be near you, waking up every time you groaned or moved. And then, when his off time was up, he'd go to his quarters, shower and change, and go back to the bridge. And he never missed a thing either, even without sleep. He was always exactly on time, never forgot a briefing or report, and he caught every glance between me and Harry. And as soon as his shift was over, he'd go back to sickbay to sit by your bed again. Being with you calmed him, in a way that nothing else could. If he couldn't be near you when you were hurt, he'd get nervous and jumpy -- don't get me wrong, he was still in perfect command of his faculties, but you wouldn't have recognized him that way."

"I never knew..."

"He didn't want you to. He always managed to be either gone or up and standing and perfectly professional when you woke up, even if nobody had any clue that you were about to rejoin us."

"I knew that he sat by your bedside, B'Elanna, whenever you were... but... why didn't anyone ever say anything about it to me?"

B'Elanna spoke now, and her voice was soft as she spoke of her friend. "He was already in so much pain whenever you were hurt, and the whole crew knew it. His ability to function as Voyager's commander never seemed compromised, so not even Tuvok felt it necessary to tell you. Telling you would have led to... repercussions, which would only have hurt him more. We all just wanted to give him -- give both of you -- as much as we could. You have to know that the entire crew wanted nothing more than for both of you to be happy. I almost killed him when I found out about -- but that's for you two to talk about, when he's well. This is another chance, Captain -- Kathryn, don't give it up."

Kathryn was about to respond when she was stopped by a faint groan. Instantly, all three of them were around the head of the bed. Chakotay opened his eyes, and they were all relieved to see that the dark orbs were focused, if a bit cloudy with pain. His attention was entirely drawn to Kathryn.

"Kathryn... thought I dreamed you... hallucination."

She smiled. "No, I'm here, in the flesh. Rest."

He struggled to concentrate. "Bradley."

They looked at each other. Tom said, "What?"

"Bradley... cadet in the shuttle with me. He okay?"

Kathryn looked at Tom and B'Elanna, but they looked just as confused as she was. "I don't know," B'Elanna said, "Seven didn't say anything about anyone else being brought in with you..."

Chakotay's eyes widened slightly. "Seven... where's Seven?"

Kathryn's spirits dipped slightly, and the younger couple looked at her, their relieved smiles fading. _Your call._

 _God, what do I tell him? What if I'm wrong? What if he really does love her and all this was just trauma-induced rambling?_ "She's... not here right now, Chakotay. We'll get her for you, okay?"

 __

He nodded wearily. "'Kay." Then he added, "Stay?" and his voice was already blurred with sleep.

 __

Kathryn nodded, setting aside her disquiet. "Of course," she said, but he was already asleep again.

 __

Just then, the door opened and a team of doctors trooped in and ordered everyone out. They waited in the hallway, B'Elanna and Kathryn nervously pacing while Tom leaned against the wall, trying to stay out of their way.

 __

After what seemed like hours -- but probably was only about a quarter of an hour -- the doctors came back out. Most of them left, but one stayed behind briefly to answer their questions, and he had nothing but good news. Chakotay was on the mend -- the swelling in his brain was down, and it didn't look like any permanent neurological damage had been caused by the head trauma. The internal bleeding had completely stopped, so surgery wouldn't be necessary. Now that there was no danger to his damaged organs, osteoregeneration on his spine and other broken bones could commence. It would take several treatments over several days due to the delicate nature of some of the injured areas, but there would most likely be no long-term effects except for some residual weakness for a few weeks.

 __

"We've given him a light sedative to help him sleep off the pain, but he should be feeling a lot more like himself when he wakes up in a couple of hours. He'll most likely be in some pain for several days, until the treatments are concluded, but he can be given medication to ease the discomfort. Unless something occurs to necessitate an earlier visit, we'll examine him again tonight and begin treatments tomorrow morning. In the meantime, he just needs to lie still and rest."

 __

"Thank you, Doctor," Tom replied, since Kathryn was too busy silently thanking whatever deities were listening.

 __

"Do you know if anyone else was injured in the crash?" B'Elanna asked suddenly.

 __

The doctor shook his head, "No, I don't, but his chart says he was brought in by Academy Medical. Maybe you can ask them."

 __

He waited for more questions, and when none came, he nodded, smiled, and left. They stared at each other for a while. _Academy Medical?_ They went to the public comm terminal in the waiting room. Kathryn waited outside while Tom left a message at Seven's home to tell her that Chakotay was doing well and that he had asked for her. Then, the three of them crowded around the small screen to contact Academy Medical, during which call they were bounced from department to department.

 __

A petite woman with light brown hair finally showed up on the screen. "I'm Captain Carter. What can I do for you?"

 __

B'Elanna, now frustrated and practically growling, replied, "We're trying to find out about a shuttle accident that occurred last night involving our friend Chakotay and possibly a cadet named Bradley."

 __

Carter nodded. "Well, Cadet Bradley is fine; he walked away from the crash without a scratch. I believe Captain Chakotay was taken to Starfleet Medical;" she glanced behind them at the décor. "But it looks like you already know that. I'll be taking over his Tactics classes while he recovers, and I remember hearing that Commander Mikhaylov is covering his Exo-Anthropology course. I'm afraid I can't tell you anything else about the accident, as it's still under investigation. Is there anything else I can help you with?'

 __

All three mutely shook their heads, and she nodded and closed the link. They stared at each other for even longer this time. Finally, B'Elanna broke the silence.

 __

"I'm going to kill him. That _p'tahk_! He didn't tell me!"

 __

Kathryn found her own voice. "What? That he was promoted, or that he's teaching at the Academy?"

 __

"Either! I can't believe this!"

 __

Tom said softly, "B'E, you guys didn't exactly part on very friendly terms the last time you talked."

 __

Kathryn stared at B'Elanna, watching in astonishment as the younger woman colored slightly. "What happened?"

 __

B'Elanna looked uncomfortable, which was a rare state for her. "We... disagreed about his relationship with Seven."

 __

Tom snorted. "Among other things, you called him an idiot and a middle-aged fool and told him not to contact you again until he'd regained his senses!"

 __

"B'Elanna!"

 __

She looked defiant now, a much more common state for her. "It's true! He was unhappy with her. He was trying really hard, I could tell, but he doesn't love her. He smiled a lot, but it never reached his eyes -- you know how I mean -- and I hated to see him like that! You must have seen it!"

 __

Kathryn's amusement faded. "I... haven't talked to him since the Welcome Home Ball."

 __

"What?! That was five months ago! Kahless, the only reason I was okay with not hearing from him was because I figured he was talking to you. Oh, he must have been miserable, keeping everything to himself, especially this news! Why haven't you talked to him?"

 __

"I couldn't... I tried to be happy for him -- and Seven -- but it hurt too much to see them, and I didn't want... oh, I don't know. God, I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself... at least he's doing something with his life. I always thought that when we got home -- " she stopped, sighing. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this..."

 __

Tom leaned over and took her hand, surprising her. "Because we're your family. Or, if you're uncomfortable with that, then we're friends. We lived together in very close quarters for a long time, and we always tried to be there for you, Captain," he said, purposely using her rank. "We're not on Voyager anymore, Kathryn; there's no command structure here. Apparently, you're willing to see that now about Chakotay... can you see it about us?"

 __

She simply nodded, moved by his words. After a few minutes, she said, "Thank you, both of you. I've... missed the family we created. I kept myself isolated for so many years on Voyager that I have trouble interacting with everyone who was here at home while we were out there. Nobody here -- "

 __

" -- really understands," B'Elanna finished. "We know; we all feel that way. But we talk to each other -- Harry, Sam, Aya, everyone else -- we get together and we talk. You haven't done that, with anyone. We tried to contact you at first, but, well, after a while... You know, even Chakotay had Seven to talk to, although I'm sure he didn't have many profound heart-to-hearts with her. Have you even talked to Tuvok?"

 __

"He's with T'Pel, and his children..."

 __

Tom sighed. "Captain -- Kathryn, you distanced yourself from us unnecessarily for seven years... don't do it anymore. Now, no more lecturing -- although it was kinda nice to be the one lecturing you for a change -- "

 __

"Watch it, Mister," she said with a small smile.

 __

He laughed. "Yes, ma'am. Let's go check on our wayward pilot. Honestly, who gave the man a shuttle?"

 __

B'Elanna snorted. "Starfleet. I don't think they read Voyager's shuttle maintenance logs very carefully..."

 __

Kathryn laughed and immediately felt guilty for doing so. _But he's doing well_ , she argued to herself. _He's going to be okay, and he'd want me to get closer to Tom and B'Elanna. I haven't laughed in weeks... It feels good_ , she thought, following the other two down the hall to Chakotay's room.

 __

=/\= =/\= =/\=

 __

They were greeted by a familiar but unexpected sight when they entered his room. A bald head was bent over Chakotay, scrutinizing him without touching him.

 __

"Doc!" Tom called softly. "What are you doing here?"

 __

Voyager's EMH looked up. "Why didn't anyone contact me? I've been in a lab upstairs all night. I need to talk to his doctors. I bet they don't know -- "

 __

"Doctor," Kathryn said, halting his prattling with a small smile. The Doctor was showing his concern for Chakotay, in the only way he knew how, by fussing over him. "I'm sure his doctors have his complete medical file from Voyager, and unless you forgot something -- which I highly doubt -- they know everything you do."

 __

"Yes, but I'm sure that -- "

 __

"This has to be a nightmare," said a weak voice from the bed.

 __

The Doctor looked insulted, and Chakotay spoke again while the others tried to suppress their laughter. "How are you, Doc? What are you doing here?"

 __

Indignation became exasperation as the EMH replied, "I'm fine, thank you. The question is, how are you, Commander?"

 __

"Captain, actually," B'Elanna said loudly, and Chakotay closed his eyes with a groan that was not caused by his injuries.

 __

"What?" exclaimed the Doctor. "Why doesn't anyone -- "

 __

The door slid open, and all the noise in the room stopped.

 __

"Hello, Seven," Chakotay said softly. "Um, if the rest of you will excuse us..."

 __

The others practically fought each other to be first out of the room, although Tom had to grab the Doctor by his sleeve. Nobody exhaled until the doors slid shut behind them.

 __

"What's going on?" the Doctor asked.

 __

"They have things to talk about," Tom answered quickly. "So, Doc, you say you've been in a lab upstairs? What have you been doing? We would have contacted you but we didn't know where to find you..."

 __

"I'm heading the Exo-Neurology department here at Starfleet Medical. The post is brand new; I was waiting for the official announcement to be made before contacting everyone." Though he tried to temper it, the Doctor's ever-present pride made its way into his voice.

 __

"Congratulations, Doctor. That's wonderful," Kathryn said, trying to keep her mind off of what was being said behind that door.

 __

"How is my lovely goddaughter?" he asked B'Elanna. "I've been longing to go and see her, but Starfleet just gave me my emitter back a few days ago... I think they've been trying to figure it out... I'm actually rather surprised they returned it to me at all."

 __

"She's wonderful; she's so smart," B'Elanna answered, pride and wonder in her voice. "You really should come see us... we're staying with Tom's parents for a while."

 __

Kathryn was surprised. "Really?"

 __

Tom tried to be matter-of-fact about it, but she could see the happiness in his eyes. "Yeah... my father asked us to, and I'm really trying to patch things up with him. He adores B'E and Miral, and since we're still on leave, we figured we'd take some time to catch up. You should come too; I know my father would love to see you."

 __

"When did he get promoted?" The Doctor asked, jerking his head toward the door before them.

 __

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "We don't actually know; he didn't tell -- "

 __

The door slid open again, and Tom muttered, "That was fast..." Seven nodded to them and continued down the hall wordlessly, though they all noticed in the strong light of the corridor that her eyes were full and bright. The Doctor looked from Kathryn's suddenly pale face to Seven's retreating form and said, "If you'll excuse me, I think someone should talk to her." He took off after her, nearly knocking over a startled Harry Kim.

 __

"What's going on?" he asked Tom. "I called your house because you didn't show up for breakfast, and your mother said... oh, hi, Captain."

 __

"It's Kathryn, Harry," she answered in a distracted voice.

 __

"How's Chakotay? Your mother said there was an accident, Tom."

 __

B'Elanna was watching Kathryn, who was staring at the door. "Go on in," she said. "We'll fill Harry in."

 __

She moved forward hesitantly, activating the door sensors but not going in when they opened. _Maybe he wants to be alone..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. If I owned them, I think they'd have been much, much happier.

 

Chakotay was staring at the ceiling, but his eyes flicked to her when the door opened, and he smiled, somewhat tiredly.

Kathryn stepped in, allowing the doors behind her to close on Harry's groan as Tom told him how Chakotay had been injured.

"How are you?" she asked quietly.

"She dumped me," he said. "Talk about kicking a man when he's down..." He was smiling, but it was a rueful grin, his ‘I can't believe this is happening' grin.

"Oh, Chakotay... I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah... yeah, I think so. I cared for her... I still do care for her, a hell of a lot. But she's right; I don't love her, not the way... This has hurt her. I've hurt her. Gods, I never meant to hurt her -- why are you here, Kathryn?" he asked, and the sudden intensity in his eyes and voice startled her.

She wasn't sure what to say, what he expected to hear. "B'Elanna called me... she said that you were asking for me..."

"So you're only here because I was calling for you in pain-induced delirium."

"Of course not! I... my friend was in pain, and I wanted to be here for him."

"Friend? You haven't called me in five months; why show up now?"

His anger was inspiring her own now. "The comm link works both ways, Chakotay."

"I didn't think you wanted to hear from me. You were so formal at the Ball. You called me ‘Commander' all night long. You didn't even say good night to me before you left. Dammit, Kathryn, I thought we _were_ friends. Best friends. And then Voyager got home, and all of a sudden, you didn't even talk to me during the celebrations. Were we only friends when there was no one -- "

"I was in agony, Chakotay!" she spat, cutting off his tirade before he could even build up a full head of steam. She abruptly turned away from him, not wanting him to see her anger and her pain. _That shut him up!_

"Kathryn?" he ventured after a moment.

She continued, hugging her arms around herself, still unable to face him. "Every night on Voyager, I told myself that we were one night closer to home, that we had survived the odds yet again, and that that had to be enough for me. Do you know how many times I imagined all the welcome home ceremonies? And you know what? They were pretty much as I imagined them. Except for one thing. Voyager's crew was _our_ crew, Chakotay, yours and mine, and we brought them home together. I imagined us on those stages together, receiving toasts together, dodging the brass together, and then, after the ceremonies were over, I saw us... well, like I said, it was all pretty much the way I had seen it. Except, in reality, everywhere I turned, Seven was there. Young, beautiful, at your side, on your arm..."

"Kathryn..." When she didn't respond, his tone grew pleading. "Kathryn, look at me, please." The anger crept back in when she still didn't turn. "Dammit, Kathryn, you're being unfair. I can't get out of this bed and make you look at me. Turn around!"

She did, slowly, not bothering to wipe away the tears that had slid down her cheeks.

"Kathryn, what are you saying?"

She sighed. "Oh, Chakotay, was I really that good a liar? Did you really not know the entire time? I... it's... the only... oh hell. I love you, Chakotay. I have since New Earth... probably even before that, to be honest."

He closed his eyes, but that didn't stop the tears that slid down his cheeks from under each closed lid. "Yes, and no." he whispered.

"What?" she asked, leaning closer.

"Yes, you were that good of a liar, and no, I never knew, not for sure, and lately, I'd given up all hope. Gods, why didn't you ever tell me? Why condemn us both to years of loneliness and regret?"

She reared back and began to pace, and her agitation was clear in the jerkiness of her movements. He grunted in exasperation at her sudden physical distance and his own inability to do anything to close that distance.

"Because I couldn't _do_ anything about it on Voyager!"

"Why not? Protocol?" he shot back.

"Yes, among other things! Protocol, responsibility, penance, incentive..."

"Penance? Incentive?!"

"It was my damn fault we were all stuck out there -- I couldn't give in to what would have been bliss when the rest of my crew was miserable!"

"But they weren't! They were making a home for themselves, creating a family! Why couldn't you?!"

"Not all of them were, Chakotay. Not everyone was happy out there, and I had to get Voyager back for the few who weren't, not for the many who were. Don't you see? If I had given in to my love for you, I don't know that I would have cared whether we got back! I had to get us back, to be able to love you openly, without guilt!"

"How was that your decision to make for both of us? We could have worked it out, if only you had said something! It was unfair of you to decide for me!"

"How did I decide for you? You said yourself that you never knew I loved you. I never asked you to wait!"

"Gods, Kathryn, don't _you_ see? If you _had_ asked, if you had just told me, I would have waited forever, happily!"

"And that's exactly why I couldn't! How would that have been fair? One of us trading the present for an uncertain future was enough! And as it turned out, you didn't wait forever for me. And I'm glad you didn't. One of us had to move on..."

He laughed -- a short, sharp sound -- and the effort made him wince. "Oh, yes, I've quite successfully moved on and gotten over my love for you. That's why I'm having this discussion with you instead of recuperating blissfully with Seven at my side! Kathryn, for all intents and purposes, my girlfriend just broke up with me for calling out another woman's name in bed!"

She laughed at his absurd take on the situation, even as an uncomfortable image of Chakotay and Seven in bed flashed through her mind. He laughed at her laughter, but his was cut short by a groan. She looked for an uninjured area of him to swat but had to settle for smacking the bed by his head.

"And that's what you get for being a smartass, Mister!"

They lapsed into silence, each surrounded by their own hurts and regrets.

"Chakotay?" she eventually asked.

"Hmm?"

"Why Seven? Of all the women on Voyager that I'm sure you could have begun a relationship with, why her?" He closed his eyes, and she hastily said, "No, never mind, it's none of -- "

"Would you believe, because she asked?"

Kathryn held her tongue, knowing that if he wanted to elaborate, he would.

"Kathryn, I spent five years loving you with not a scrap of encouragement to show for it. Though my heart never complained at my devotion, my ego was damn bruised. Then, Seven, who -- as you said -- is young, and beautiful, not to mention incredibly intelligent, if not exactly charming, showed an interest in me. She wanted me to help her with the social aspects of humanity; she was interested in finding out what dating was like. I agreed, definitely not expecting a long-term relationship to come of it. In fact, I'm sure that even if we had stayed in the Delta Quadrant, it wouldn't have lasted long."

Kathryn closed her eyes, knowing differently. She remembered her older self's words -- they were etched into her brain; she'd never forget them. Though they told of a future that could never happen now, they'd been running through her mind almost constantly for six months. _Seven of Nine is going to die... Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband... Chakotay. He'll never be the same after Seven's death..._ "Why do you think that it wouldn't have lasted?"

"After a while, she would have gotten bored, or it would have gotten too serious for me -- my heart belonged to you -- and one of us would have ended it. But then, the admiral showed up and we were so close to finding a way home, and then, we were home. I found myself caught up in all the excitement, waiting for you to say something, make some move... I harbored, way in the back of my mind where they couldn't really hurt me anymore, the same hopes as you. I hoped that if we found a shortcut home, you would come to me, tell me you loved me, tell me that we couldn't have had anything on the ship but that things were different now. But you said nothing, did nothing, and I heard myself making promises to Seven, saying things I didn't really mean.

"And we brought our relationship out into the open, and everyone seemed stunned except for you... why is that, by the way?"

"The admiral told me," she said quietly.

"So you knew, even before we got home. And that's why you didn't come to me."

She nodded.

He sighed and returned her nod, acknowledging yet another misstep in the progression of their love. He muttered something that sounded to her like "star-crossed," and then continued. "Figures. So you didn't come to me, and you didn't seem hurt or angry about my relationship with Seven; you just seemed... distant.

"You have no idea how much your formality and indifference hurt me, Kathryn. I had almost come to terms with the fact that you didn't love me, but then, when you so casually threw off our friendship, I began to question everything my life had been for the last seven years. I was bitter and angry, and Seven was there for me to talk to. Neither one of us has any really close connections in this quadrant except for the ones we made on Voyager, and all of those friends have their own families, their own lives. We comforted each other. You were suddenly out of my life -- even B'Elanna turned away from me -- but I still had Seven, and she had me.

"I was starting to care for her, and I was teaching her how to care for me... I tried to see it as a beginning, I guess, but I was getting bored and restless, and Seven could see that. And then, about a month ago, Starfleet offered me a promotion and a teaching position at the Academy, and it was a chance to put down roots. I was determined to make the best of my life."

He chuckled. "And then I got in a shuttle with a nervous cadet, and here we are." His eyes widened. "Gods, Bradley... I have to -- "

"Relax, he's fine. Walked away without a scratch. What the hell happened, anyway? No wait, don't say anything; I'm sure everyone else will want to know, and there's no sense in making you repeat it."

He sighed. "Oh, I'm looking forward to that little chat session! I'm sure they'll all have many interesting things to say," he said with a rueful grin. He sobered, piercing her with his gaze, and she struggled not to lose herself in those dark eyes. "Kathryn, what now?"

"I don't really know. Can we move past everything, forget all the mistakes that have been made? Can you forgive my stubbornness? Can you love me still? If... if not, can you still give me your friendship, even after all of this?"

"Kathryn Janeway, you have had my heart for a long time, and you know that. You're right, there have been plenty of mistakes made, and I don't think I'll ever be able to really understand your need to isolate yourself so completely out there, but I will try, because I'm definitely not going to let it come between us any longer. I do love you, and I'm willing to do everything I possibly can to show you that this will work -- once I get out of this damn bed! What about you? How important to you is this relationship? What about your career? What about Starfleet, and protocol?"

"I have spent the last six months regretting that we never had this conversation -- it's been the only thing on my mind, Chakotay. Right now -- other than your health -- it's the most important thing in my life, and once you get better and get out of that damn bed, I'll show that to you. And Starfleet doesn't matter anymore -- for several reasons. First, we're not in the same command structure -- and we're of equal rank, Captain. Congratulations, on your promotion and your position. I'm glad Starfleet realized what I've known for almost eight years -- you're a damn good officer, and they need you. I'm so sorry that I wasn't around to celebrate your good news with you."

"Thank you, Kathryn. Yours are the first congratulations I've received, other than the official ones from the Admiralty."

"Oh, Chakotay. Haven't you told anyone?"

"Who was I going to tell? B'Elanna hasn't been too happy with me -- "

"I heard. She just wanted you to be happy, and she could see that you weren't."

"Do you know what Seven said what I told her about Starfleet's offer? She said she was pleased that Starfleet had recognized my competency and efficiency."

"Well, that was congratulations, in her own way. I'm so glad you've found something to do with your life here..." Her voice trailed off.

"Kathryn?"

She sighed, dropping heavily into the chair by his bed. "I'm resigning my commission."

"What? Why?"

"I just don't think that I belong in Starfleet anymore; I don't think I can do it. On Voyager, I was at the top. Oh, I knew that I would have to answer to Command eventually, but there, in the moment, the decision to do anything was mine to make. I don't know if I can follow orders again -- I think I've forgotten how to command a ship that way. Besides, if you're going to be at the Academy..."

"So don't command a ship. There are other things to do in Starfleet besides deep space exploration. I know some of them don't seem appealing to you, but have you even thought about it? What about a position at Command? For that matter, what about the Academy? Come teach with me -- you know we're an amazing team. The cadets would be lining up around the building."

He was surprised when she seemed to be thinking seriously about it; his offer had been made in earnest but he hadn't expected her to take it that way.

"Maybe... but then we'd be in the same command structure again, and I believe the Academy has strict policies against fraternization among the faculty. Anyway, I still have two months to decide what to do before my leave is up."

"A lot can happen in two months... it might not be a case of fraternization by then... it might just be a married teaching team."

She stared at him for a second, and he began to regret his hasty words. Then, she laughed. "You're quite confident, Captain!"

"Now? Absolutely!" he grinned, a full Chakotay-grin for the first time, and his dimples flashed at her. _Oh God, how I've missed those_ , she thought, returning his grin.

"Academic life suits you, Chakotay. You're beginning to look very... distinguished," she said, reaching out to run her fingers through the soft, greying hair at his temple.

He closed his eyes at her touch, and -- seizing the moment, Janeway style -- she leaned over and pressed her lips gently to his. He froze for a moment before sighing her name and returning the kiss. She whispered his in return and he ran his tongue lightly along her lips, slipping in between them to entwine with hers. The kiss deepened, and they lost themselves in it, reveling in each other. Kathryn kept her fingers lightly in his hair, stroking the softness of it, and bringing her other hand around to delicately trace the lines of his tattoo. He wrenched himself away from her with a sound somewhere between a cry and a growl.

"Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"No! Gods, no, it's just... these damn restraints! Kathryn, I want to run my fingers through your hair, feel the softness of your skin. I want to take you in my arms and press my lips to every centimeter of your flesh. I want to rip your clothes off and -- " he stopped and chuckled. "Well, it's good to know that I'm not paralyzed, even temporarily."

"What?" she asked, still dazed by the kiss and his ardent little speech.

He nodded down the bed at his body, where the bioblanket and thin Starfleet medical gown were doing nothing to hide the evidence of his desire. She laughed and leaned over to lightly kiss him once again.

"No, you're right. Everything seems in working order. Just a little incentive, love, to make sure you follow doctors' orders and get better soon."

He glanced around the room. "Go get the doctors then, right now!" he ordered in a mock-anxious tone, and she smiled.

"God, I've missed you," she told him. "Oh, Chakotay, I'm so sorry I ran away from you so abruptly, but I just couldn't take... I wanted to be happy for you, but I was miserable. I know that you were unhappy often on the ship, but you always dealt so well with it. I... I felt weak and disgusted with myself, and I didn't want you to see me that way, so -- "

"Shh, Kathryn, it's okay," he soothed, and she saw his hand moving restlessly against the bed. She took it in her own, and he smiled at her gratefully. "No more about that right now. We can talk more about it later, and I'm going to have to talk to Seven again, but right now I just want to enjoy being with you, okay?"

She nodded, before realizing just how long the two of them had been talking. "I'd love nothing more than to sit here by your side, just the two of us. However, there are some very anxious people waiting outside to see how you are, and they've been more than generous in giving us all this time to untangle this mess. So when you're -- decent again," she said, raising her eyebrow at him, "we should probably let them in, unless you're not feeling up to it."

He snickered at her unintentional pun, and she reddened. "You know what I mean."

"I think I feel well enough for a visit from friends, as long as you keep B'Ela away from me. She's going to kill me for not telling her about my promotion."

"Well, she did say not to talk to her until you regained your senses, so a) it's her fault, and b) you seem to have done that now, at least in the way she meant."

"How do you know...?"

"Tom was... kind enough to inform me of what she said to you."

He snorted. "I'm sure he didn't tell you everything she said. Tom wouldn't use that kind of language around you..."

She laughed. "I'll go get them, if you're ready..."

"Kathryn, wait a moment."

She paused just before she reached the door's sensors.

"Are you going to... do you plan to tell them about us?"

"I don't think I'll need to tell them anything. They're all intelligent."

"Yes, but..."

"Are you asking me if I plan to take our relationship public?"

He nodded.

"Well, that depends."

"On what?" he asked softly, but she detected a note of annoyance in his voice.

"On you. Do you want to take it public?"

He laughed. "I've been wanting to take it public for five years, Kathryn!"

She shrugged. "Well, then there's really no question, is there? We're going public. I might not be up to holding a press conference about it, but I think our friends deserve to know, don't you? Besides, like I said, I don't think we'll have to tell them anything. They're probably outside wearing down the floor in the hallway. Should I let them in?"

He nodded again, and she triggered the door. When it opened, Tom, B'Elanna and Harry stopped their conversation and searched her face, anxiety present in their own features.

Kathryn said nothing, but -- as she'd guessed -- words weren't necessary. Her friends could see by her relaxed face and relieved smile that she and Chakotay had worked things out. Nevertheless, the three friends were not about to jump to conclusions in regards to this particular relationship. That had happened much too often before.

B'Elanna wasn't exactly sure what she should ask, so she settled for simply saying warily, "Kathryn?"

Kathryn gave a tiny nod, and their faces all relaxed. Tom jumped forward with a whoop, grabbing her in a hug and surprising her greatly. After a moment, she returned his hug, and he whispered in her ear, "Thank God. Take care of each other, Kathryn."

"Get your hands off the captain, Paris, before I toss your butt in the brig."

Tom sprang back instinctively at the steel in Chakotay's voice. He looked at Chakotay in horror, but his guilt dissipated immediately when he actually looked at the former first officer's face.

Chakotay attempted to look stern but he couldn't help laughing at the look on Tom's face. At Chakotay's laughter, Tom's chin came up and he wrapped his arms around Kathryn, embracing her again.

"So there!" he said impudently, and everyone laughed as they came into the room.

B'Elanna crossed her arms over her chest. "Nice try, Chakotay. No ship, no brig, no captain, _Captain_. We're being mighty protective of Kathryn, aren't we though?"

"Have I ever been any different, B'Ela?" he asked wryly. "Besides, somebody's gotta protect her from that rogue of yours."

She laughed. "Oh, I think she's more than capable of taking care of herself. Besides, you're in fine form to be her knight in shining armor! What the hell happened?"

"Hi, Harry," Chakotay said, trying to draw attention away from the matter at hand.

"Hi, Captain. I'm glad you're doing well."

Chakotay rolled his eyes. "B'Elanna's right; we're not on a ship, Harry. You can call me Chakotay."

Harry smiled. "I know. I just wanted to use your new rank. Congratulations, Chakotay."

"Thanks, Lieutenant -- "

"Yes, yes, we'll find out all about _that_ later. Now, stop trying to change the subject, _Captain_. How the hell did you end up in here?!"

He sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "It was a tactics training mission."

Tom laughed. "The Academy's having _you_ teach cadets how to fly shuttles?!"

"Dammit, Paris, I know how to fly a shuttle! My pilot rating is almost as good as yours! And -- ow!" he stopped, and pain crossed his face again.

"Chakotay, are you okay? Should we get a doctor?" Kathryn asked, already heading for the door.

"No! Wait, I'm fine. Just got a little worked up, that's all. My head's still throbbing."

Tom looked ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry, big guy. I didn't know the teasing bothered you so much..."

B'Elanna was shaking her head. "No, don't let him get to you, Tom. Chakotay doesn't react that way to teasing unless he knows it's deserved in some way. You forget, old man, I've known you for a long time."

Chakotay looked shocked. "B'Ela!"

Kathryn laughed softly. "Come on, Chakotay, you have to admit..."

"Kathryn?! Whose side are you on?"

She just looked at him, arms crossed over her chest.

He sighed again. "Fine. Yes, it's true; I didn't have the best of luck with the shuttles on Voyager. Believe me, Academy administration reminded me of that fact several times before they made the decision to allow me to teach the practicum, but I defended myself quite admirably. And then, what happens? My fourth time out with a student, and..." He groaned. "At least I wasn't piloting, although I don't think that will count for much."

"What happened?" B'Elanna asked again, more softly this time.

"Like I said, it was a training mission, in close-range atmospheric maneuvers. Bradley was flying and something was loose, rolling around in the aft of the shuttle. I undid my safety restraint to go secure it -- "

"Chakotay!" Kathryn admonished.

"I know, stupid of me... and while I was looking for it, an alarm went off on the main console. I don't know what it was, but it threw Bradley into a panic, and since I wasn't there to calm him down, I guess he started fiddling with the controls to get it to stop. Well, he sent the shuttle into some sort of spin or nosedive, and I was thrown against at least the ceiling and the aft bulkhead. That's all I remember before I blacked out. At least Bradley's okay. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost a student..."

Kathryn squeezed his hand, and whispered, "Thank God _you're_ okay. I don't know what _I_ would have done if we had lost _you_!"

Harry broke in. "Um, sorry to interrupt, but I have a word of advice for you, Chakotay. Technically, you were acting well within your duty as a training instructor. An unsecured object in a moving shuttlecraft is a hazard to both the shuttle and its occupants, and must be secured," he said, and the others could tell the last part was a quote from someone. He blushed. "My flight training instructor got up to secure something in my shuttle during my first basic flight lesson, and I panicked. When he came back I asked him if it wasn't against regulations to undo one's safety restraints, and that's the little lecture he gave me."

Chakotay laughed. "I'll have to remember that for when administration tries to clobber me for this. Who was your instructor, Harry?"

"Lieutenant Mendoza."

"I'll have to thank Rick. He'll be pleased that his lessons are so memorable."

Harry groaned, and B'Elanna cleared her throat. "Speaking of your colleagues, were you ever going to tell me -- us -- about all this?!"

"You're the one that told me not to call you, B'Ela!" he retorted, winking at Kathryn.

Her mouth fell open. "Only because I couldn't stand to see you so unhappy! I didn't know you didn't have anyone else to talk to," she added, glancing at Kathryn. "You could have told me this! I would have been thrilled for you! I _am_ thrilled for you," she amended, kissing him on the cheek. "Congratulations."

"Thanks. I wonder who's covering my classes?" he mused.

"Carter and Mikhaylov," Tom answered, and Chakotay looked up, surprised, and laughed.

"Well, I'm flattered that Carter deigned to take my classes; she's one of the best -- she and I were actually in a couple of tactics classes together, and I never had a chance in them. Mikhaylov, though. I think he's in a bit over his head."

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Well, the Exo-Anthro class I'm teaching is an introduction to the races of the Delta Quadrant. There's information in the ‘fleet database now, but not nearly enough cultural data to captivate an entire class of eager senior cadets... most of my lecture material is anecdotal. He's probably having kittens and thinking of ancient Andorian curses to use on me. I'm sure he'll be in soon to pick my brain," he finished, trying to stifle a yawn.

"And that's our cue to go," Tom said. "Come on, B'E, let's go check on Miral. Wanna come, Harry?"

"Sure. Has she said ‘Uncle Harry' yet?"

"Harry, she's six months old!" B'Elanna said, laughing.

"Well, a guy can try, can't he? She's smart; I'm sure she'll get it soon. Bye, Chakotay, we'll be back soon. Get well. Bye, Kathryn."

B'Elanna kissed Chakotay on the cheek again and smiled at Kathryn, and Tom nodded at both of them amiably before all three slipped out the door.

"I guess it's just you and me again," she said, unsuccessfully trying to hide her own yawn.

"Kathryn, go get some sleep. And eat something!"

She groaned. "You're not my XO anymore, mister."

"Nope, but if you think that means I'm going to stop bugging you about your sleeping and eating habits, you're sadly mistaken. If anything, I'll bug more. I can't have you exhausted for what I've got planned -- at least, not beforehand..."

She smiled and shook her head. "You're incorrigible. But I'm not going anywhere. Besides, I slept earlier."

"Yes, and your neck must still be aching." She looked surprised, and he smiled. "Oh, Kathryn, I knew you were there, I just didn't know why. Remind me to give you a massage later; I promise I'll make up for it."

She smiled, remembering the feel of his hands on her body. "Oh, that's one promise I won't let you forget!"

"Good, now go sleep. I'll be fine; I think I'm gonna try and catch a little shuteye myself."

She sighed. "Fine. I'll be in the waiting room down -- "

"No. Go home and sleep in your own bed, where you'll be comfortable."

"No, Chakotay, I don't want -- "

"I'll be fine, as long as I know that you'll come visit me tomorrow morning. Please. On your way out you can send someone in, and I'll tell them to put you down as my emergency contact, in case anything changes. Please, Kathryn, I'll feel better if I know you're at home, resting."

"I won't be able to sleep."

"Please try. For me," he said, and the plea in his eyes melted the last of her resolve.

"Okay. I'll try," she said, and the smile he gave her was her reward.

"Thank you, Kathryn. Good night, and sleep well."

"You too. Rest, and I'll be back in the morning," she ordered, and leaned over for a kiss. "I love you, Chakotay," she added, and her heart sang. _Oh God, it's good to be able to say the words at last!_

"And I love you, Kathryn."

She tore herself away from him, fighting hard to ignore the pain that leaving his bedside caused her.

=/\ =/\= =/\=

Six days later, Kathryn was again at Chakotay's side, watching his chest rise and fall evenly. He was sleeping peacefully now, for really the first time since the accident. She thought back over his short recovery period; the second full day after the accident -- the day of the first treatment -- had been the worst. He'd had trouble falling asleep, and she had known he was in pain, both from the swelling in his head and his various bruises and fractures. Though he hadn't uttered a single word of complaint, she'd watched his big hands clench and unclench on the bed as he fought the waves of pain, sweat beading on his furrowed brow. She'd pleaded endlessly with him, but he'd refused pain medication until the pain became unbearable. He hated the haziness in his mind that came from medication; he prized focus and sanity above all else, and he only capitulated when the pain threatened to destroy the last of that focus anyway. With agony in his eyes, he'd asked her to get a doctor.

The doctors had given him a painkiller and a light sedative, and he'd fallen into a light, uneasy sleep, which had continued on and off, all day long. Visitors had come and gone -- Kathryn had been amazed at how many of Voyager's crew came to see him. Though none of them had stayed long, leaving Chakotay to rest, all of them had smiled to see their former captain at his bedside.

Kathryn was exhausted. She hadn't been sleeping well for months -- _years, actually, Kathryn, and you know it_ \-- and since Chakotay's accident, she hadn't slept at all. She went home every night, just like he asked her to, but she invariably spent the time in bed turning over and over, tangling herself in the sheets before giving up on sleep, exasperated. She spent the nights pacing her apartment or staring out the window, worrying about him, wondering about them, pondering the future. In the morning, she returned to his side, only snatching quick naps in between visitors, while he slept the sleep of the drugged.

When he was awake, he rested. She held his hand and they sat in companionable silence, enjoying each other's company with no need for words. It reminded Kathryn of countless hours in her ready room or quarters, when they'd worked together without speaking. It was comfortable.

The day before yesterday he'd gotten out of bed for the first time. The first thing he'd done was walk shakily past the doctors to Kathryn, enfolding her in a tight embrace and kissing the hell out of her. B'Elanna had laughed and Tom had whistled loudly, and Kathryn had pushed him away after enjoying it for several moments -- she didn't want him to fall over. He'd turned to his doctors, who were bemusedly watching him.

"Sorry, gentlemen. That one was a long time coming."

He'd been good after that, but he'd been pushing himself to get well, walking around his small room more than he probably should have. Kathryn had told him to lie down and give himself the proper time to heal, and he'd just stared at her and kept pacing slowly, with an amused look in his eyes. She had thought of all the times she'd walked out of Sickbay long before it was prudent and had fallen silent, content to watch him. He'd known where his limits were and had gotten back into bed before he'd fallen over in exhaustion, resting for a while before getting back up and working his sore and tired body all over again.

The night before last, he'd fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation, and she'd taken the opportunity to nap in the chair. Before she'd known it, it was 0100 and he was staring at her with disappointed eyes. With a sigh, she'd gotten up, given him a kiss, and gone home, knowing her sleep was over for the night.

He'd worked himself even harder yesterday and had fallen asleep even earlier. She'd again fallen asleep in her chair, unintentionally this time. When she'd again awakened to find him watching her, she decided it was time for a discussion, dead of night or not.

"Go home, Kathryn."

"I'm fine, Chakotay. Go back to sleep."

"Kath -- "

"Chakotay, Tom and B'Elanna told me how you used to sit by my side in Sickbay. Don't you think that works both ways?" she asked, ignoring his surprised look and sudden flush. "I can't sleep at home, when you're here. I want to be here, watching you, able to check on you when I wake up. Imagine if I were in that bed. Would you want to leave?"

He had sighed, and shaken his head, and she had kissed him and settled back in the chair, watching as exhaustion claimed him once again.

Now, she sat and watched him sleep, feeling slightly more rested than she had in days, though her sore muscles protested the long time spent in the uncomfortable chair. He shifted and yawned, turning his sleepy gaze on her.

"Good morning."

"Morning. How are you feeling?"

"A lot better, actually. Today's the day."

She nodded, smiling. The doctors had told them yesterday that he would most likely be released today.

After this small exchange, things grew quiet. Though they held hands, each lapsed into their own little world. This silence was strained, very different from the companionable silences of the previous few days. Then, they had been focused on his recovery -- now, they had to think about the future. They couldn't put it off any longer.

"Chakotay..."

"Hmm?"

"Are you planning to go home when they let you out of here?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I'm sure Seven's there, and while I know she wouldn't mind, it would be awkward to finish recuperating there. I guess I'll try and find a hotel somewhere in the city for a few days until I can request Starfleet housing." He smiled wryly. "I guess it's a good thing we didn't come back with too many belongings... I'd just have to pack them all up again."

"Come home with me."

"Kathryn?"

"They gave me a pretty-good sized apartment -- one of the perks of being a returning hero, I guess. It's big enough for both of us. Come home with me today and let me take care of you until you get well, the way you've always taken care of me."

"And afterwards? When I'm all better?"

"Well, we'll talk about all that after you regain your strength."

His tone was light but his eyes were serious as he said, "You might have a hard time getting rid of me once I entrench myself, Kathryn."

"Who knows, love? I might not try very hard."

He laughed and reveled in his relief. "Okay, but you'd better take good care of me, Nurse Katie."

She glared at him but couldn't help laughing at the mock-mournful look on his face. "I may leave you to languish if you call me Nurse Katie again."

With the crucial first step of their relationship settled, they were able to return to the pleasant, joking atmosphere of the previous few days.

They talked, but they stayed away from important topics, like the future and their relationship. Instead, they exchanged gossip and the few stories of their childhoods that they hadn't shared in their time on Voyager. Chakotay told her stories of his new colleagues, especially the professors they'd had during their own stints at the academy. He'd learned fascinating new information about most of them, and he shared it with her, all the while grinning mischievously.

Kathryn laughed until she couldn't breathe, basking in her mirth, unable to remember the last time she'd felt so good. Chakotay watched her as he told his tales, and he felt as if an enormous burden had been lifted from him -- her burden, that he'd been shouldering for so long. This was Kathryn, whom he hadn't really seen for years. This was the woman he had fallen in love with half a galaxy away, on a planet so like this one, and yet so different. He thanked the Spirits for giving him yet another chance with this woman, and he vowed not to waste it, not to let her slide from his grasp again.

Her laughter faltered under his intense gaze, but before she could say anything, Tom, Harry and B'Elanna came in.

"Hey, Captain," Tom called jauntily. "They springing you today?"

Chakotay let his gaze linger on Kathryn's face for a moment longer, and the message his dark eyes sent was, _We'll talk later._

"I think so, Tom; we'll see..."

=/\ =/\= =/\=

Several hours later, Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed, surrounded by his friends. He'd had his last treatment and he could move without much pain, though he was still much weaker than normal. The doctors had warned him not to exert himself too much, signed his release papers, and told him he could go, as long as he signed himself out on the way out. He was to report back in a week for a check-up.

While he was pleased to have his friends around him, he longed for a moment with Kathryn before they left the hospital.

Tom was baiting Harry, as usual, and Kathryn and B'Elanna were enjoying Harry's increasingly sharp comebacks.

"You're getting good at this, Harry, my man."

"God, Tom, I've only had seven years to practice. Or, maybe you're just losing your touch. Being a family man is wearing you down, Proton."

Chakotay laughed with the others, but before Tom could reply, he said, "Okay, okay, boys. That's enough." He made sure to keep smiling so that they would see he wasn't angry. "You two can finish that in the hallway. B'Ela, be their referee for me, will you? And take this," he added, handing her the small bag of belongings Seven had brought him when he'd first been admitted.

B'Elanna could tell that he wanted to talk to Kathryn, so she ushered Tom and Harry out. Kathryn watched them go and then turned to him with a puzzled look on her face.

"Chakotay? Be careful, Chakotay, please," she added as he slid slowly from the bed to stand on the floor. "Is something wrong?"

He shook his head. "No, nothing's wrong. I just... wanted to talk to you without the children present," he said with a small smile.

She smiled back as she studied his face. "Are you sure there's nothing bothering you?"

"It's just... are you sure about all this?"

"About all what?"

"Us. Me living with you. Going public with this."

She sighed. "Are you having second thoughts?"

"No! No, I just... I don't want to rush anything, Kathryn. I don't want to ruin this by jumping into anything too soon -- I couldn't bear it if that happened. I don't want to wear out my welcome in your home," he added softly, taking her hands and gazing into her eyes.

"Well, I don't think we're moving too fast. After all, we've been building toward this for years, I think. Moving in together might seem fast, but Chakotay, you're not completely well yet. You need someone to take care of you for a while, and I would like to be that person. Do you still want me to be that person?"

"Of course."

"Well then, we'll start there. After that, like I said earlier; we'll see. Nobody is forcing us to live together. If we decide it's not going to work, we'll make some changes. To be honest, I don't expect too many problems. We practically lived together on the ship; we already know all of each other's bad habits... and we have lived together before, in rather close quarters," she added softly.

He smiled, fondly remembering a small shelter on a planet half a galaxy away. "I wonder if it's still there..."

"Of course it is. We left it in excellent condition. I'm sure the monkey's making great use of it," she said with an answering smile. Sobering, she said, "We have always taken everything one day, one step at a time, Chakotay, whether it was an uneasy alliance between enemies or the first movements toward friendship. I see no reason to take a relationship any differently."

Relieved and reassured by her determination, Chakotay nodded and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Content, she hugged him back. They were quiet for a few moments, until she asked into his chest, "Feel better now? Ready to go?" He nodded again, squeezing her for reassurance. She groaned. "Dealing with the press is going to be a nightmare."

"I don't think so. I've got a plan."

She looked up at him, one eyebrow raised. "Oh?"

"Yes. We'll deal with them the way my captain always expected me to deal with unwanted hails. We'll ignore them. Shields up, warp eight, evasive maneuvers," he said, laughing as her laughter bubbled up and broke forth. He looked down into her face as she laughed with him, only inches from his own. "Gods, you're beautiful when you laugh," he murmured, bowing his head to claim her lips.

The kiss went on and on as they clung to each other, and they only separated when their need for oxygen outweighed their need for contact. As they caught their breath, Chakotay stared into her eyes, gently brushing a strand of hair off her forehead, and Kathryn shivered, feeling how much love he put into that tiny touch. Eventually he stepped back from her, taking her hand. "Come on, Kathryn," he whispered, "Let's go home."

They went out into the corridor, where Tom, B'Elanna, and Harry were once again waiting tensely and quietly.

"Everything okay?" Harry ventured.

"Everything's fine. Shall we go?" Chakotay asked.

Tom picked up Chakotay's duffle, which was sitting on the floor. "Where to, Captain?" he asked lightly, before adding, in a more serious tone, "Do you have somewhere to stay, Chakotay? I'm sure I can ask my parents... I don't think they'll mind another houseguest for a few -- "

"That won't be necessary, Tom," Kathryn said, taking Chakotay's bag and shouldering it. "The captain will be convalescing in my humble Starfleet-issued abode, although we may need _your_ skills as a medic if _my_ nursing skills are anything like my cooking skills," she said, with a laugh at the suddenly scared look on Chakotay's face.

If the three felt any surprise at her revelation, they hid it well. "Of course," Tom said smoothly. "For you, Kathryn, I'm always on call."

Harry said, "I think we should warn you. When we got here this morning, the press was already gathering in the front courtyard. It's probably going to be a media feeding-frenzy out there."

Kathryn sighed and then looked slyly at Chakotay. "To be expected, I guess. It's okay; I've been given some good advice in this matter by a tactical expert."

They looked at her expectantly.

"Shields up, red alert. Maintain comm silence, Mr. Kim. Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Paris."

They all laughed in surprise. "Yes, ma'am!" Tom replied, leading the way.

And they all walked down the corridor, laughing, talking of the past, and the present, and making plans for the future.


End file.
